TikTok in Limerick -or- LimerTikTok

A summary of events in timeline and poem form, and how I won the TikTok bet

It has been just seven days since I wrote to you with an explainer following the Supreme Court’s decision to uphold the TikTok Law, and those days have not been boring.

I wrote you a timeline to understand everything that happened, but then I got bored and decided it would be more fun to summarize it in limerick form. I’ve made that limerick, questionable as it may be, available to Paid Subscribers Only — and you know that it’s not AI generated because its probably the only limerick you’ve ever read that’s also safe-for-work.

If you’re a Paid Subscriber you can see that at the end of this newsletter, if you’re not you can sign up below!

ICYMI: A rough timeline of critical events

Perhaps you were in a coma or giving birth or at Davos the last seven days! In case you missed it, here are the highlights.

Friday, January 17

09:28 Soon-to-be president has a call with Chinese President Xi Jinping

10:00 TikTok ban upheld by Supreme Court in per curiam decision.

Saturday, January 18

22:00 ByteDances shuts down availability of the platform in the US

Oracle and Akamai disable hosting services to TikTok on their servers

Apple and Google remove TikTok for download in their app stores

President-elect Trump posts a plea on Truth Social for companies to keep TikTok up promising they will not have liability for violating the law, he also discusses a vague possible deal for divestment

TikTok users in the U.S. who attempt to use the app are greeted with the following message:

Sunday, January 19

00:00 TikTok Law (Protecting Americans from Foreign Adversary Controlled Applications Act or PAFACAA) goes into effect.

12:00 Oracle, Akamai, and TikTok begin to restore services in the U.S.

TikTok remains unavailable for download in Apple or Google App stores

U.S. TikTok users now see the following message:

Monday, January 20 (Inauguration Day)

00:01 Against all odds, I win my bet with Dave

12:00 Donald Trump sworn in as 47th President

Shortly after he is sworn in, Trump signs executive order suspending enforcement of TikTok law for 75 days and attempting to stop any retroactive enforcement that might take place after that time (his ability to do this is highly spurious).

Q: So what’s going to happen to TikTok?

A: As long as TikTok and Oracle and Akamai continue to believe Donald Trump . . . it should continue to be available if you’ve already downloaded the app to your phone or you access it through a browser.

Q: You said in your last newsletter it would be INSANE to risk billions in fines on a promise for non-enforcement. . . but they’re doing that?

A: Yes!! They are!! It’s insane!!

My usual go-to on this, Alan Rozenshtein at

Lawfare

has a great break down of why a Presidential order promising non-enforcement is not anywhere near as strong as you might think it is, here.

Q: What’s going on with divestment?

A: Lots of people are apparently in “talks” nothing has seemed to come even close to being a real deal for purposes of the law.

Dave Hoffman and the Ban on Corn

As I explained last week, I had a bet with my friend Dave that was pretty straightforward:

The bet was about whether or not TikTok would actually go away (we think). To the best of our recollection, this is what it was:

Dave wins if on Monday, January 20, there is no TikTok OR TikTok is owned by someone else.

Kate wins if on Monday, January 20, TikTok remains owned by Chinese communists AND Kate can still post on TikTok about the importance of the First Amendment over America’s national security.

Please to note the DATE that The Bet went into effect — January 20 — NOT 19th.

Like a typical lawyer who hasn’t read the contract (this is funny because Dave teaches contracts) Dave messaged me on Sunday morning crowing victory:

I confronted Dave with the reality of the terms:And wi

th that bargained for consideration, folks, Dave is no longer allowed to plant corn in his garden:

If you want to send cans of corn to Dave, let me know, because I feel very bad for his children this Fall, this was his answer:

Shameless Self-Promotion

• The day Mark gave his announcement I went on

  Lawfare
  to talk about it.

• I was on the great

  Mike Pesca
  ’s The Gist, talking at greater length aboutMark Zuckerberg’s announcement about removing fact-checking on January 9.

• I was on teevee with Michael Smerconish (CNN) on January 11, talking the same in a more visible way.

• I was on Tech Policy Press Podcast discussing The Dumbest Timeline on January 17, on Zuck and TikTok and the global political implications.

• I was on The Verge Decoder Podcast on January 23, discussing all of the above.

And now, without further ado your LimerTikTok (which you can read if you’re a Paid Subscriber!!)